I was sitting in my chair thinking of what to write today since a few things have happened to me this week that I haven’t really gotten off my chest about and I decided that I’ll just talk about what I’ve encountered this week. I’ve encountered both constructive and destructive criticism, I’ve encountered opportunities to minister to some people and did, I fell sick during the week and yet had things I needed to accomplish which made things rather challenging since I was in the midst of getting some projects done at work, I also encountered some individuals this week who were definitely self-serving and inconsiderate that it made me think “what is wrong with people these days?!”. In fact, I think you could say I was pretty frustrated and angry at the nonsense that kept poppin’ in my week that I even went and talked to my mum about it and she was calm and collected which is so like her. I love the fact that she doesn’t allow things to get to her so easily unlike me who does, and she knows me very well to be an emotional person so she let me rant and rave as much as I wanted until I cooled down which I’m still trying to work on, but have a ways to go on that front so I decided that I needed to pray about my attitude since I still did not feel at peace even after all that blowing off of steam. I even ranted to my twin who is just like my cool-headed mom which didn’t make much of a difference towards my attitude. I had a lot say to God that I just felt like venting to the Lord about my days this week until I found myself asking….”What in the world am I doing here? What is the point????!!!”.
Sometimes I feel like flying off somewhere far far away and never coming back to escape the dramarama of my life when I feel like I’ve had enough, but I know intuitively that that is just me formulating ways and means of escapism from reality. Sometimes I think that when you’ve moved around as much as I have you develop a way of thinking that if you move or leave to go somewhere far away you’ll escape the problem that you left behind you when you leave the country. However, the reality is that you aren’t really escaping the problem…you’re traveling with it to the next destination which is something I have learned after living in one country for more than three years. I have never stayed in a country for more than four years until now since I’m settled in Canada for the past 11 years and I can tell you that I still feel tempted to leave and move on to the next best thing when I feel like I can’t take it anymore. That feeling occurs to me when I’m feeling uncomfortable or when I feel like I’m being tied to a place for too long…. this urgency to run away before people ground me or make me commit to things that will keep me in one place for too long makes me feel like I’m suffocating when I prefer having the freedom to do what I want when I want…but of course there comes a point where a person needs boundaries which I believe I do have…but at the same time, these boundaries become rather murky when I struggle with anxiety.
Escapism….a dangerous place to be when you have options. It’s also a dangerous place to be when you don’t have options. I probably am not making any sense right now which is ok…just keep reading ;).
Ok, to some people who have been following this blog, you may be thinking…Sherline this is soo unlike you….get your act together woman! I know!!! I know already!!!….I should! but I was very irritated this week that I myself had to call into question my own actions…Why am I being so reactionary when all this while I’ve been teaching about responding appropriately to situations? My very words were being tested by the Lord which is something that happens to me a lot, Ugh! *I’m cringing at this failed test* lol 🙂 Well, all I can say is the jokes on me lol 😀 .
I’m actually laughing about this as I write because I think my behaviour has been an entire joke for the whole week. I find myself asking myself how is it possible that I managed to stay upset for an entire 5 days in a row allowing little things to get to me so easily? That’s when I decided that I needed to pray to God about this…because something was definitely wrong with me since there were areas where I know I normally would have exhibited some level of self-control were now the areas that now bothered me with incredible intensity that I just felt like blowing my top off even though I managed to restrain myself from doing so to some extent, but that’s not the point! The point is is that even if I didn’t say anything, my thoughts were not pure because angry thoughts ended up filling my mind and ended up being my meditations throughout the week even though I know that it’s ungodly to let the sun go down in your anger. My anger issue kind of took me off guard as I struggled to resolve the issue by ignoring it and by trying to minimize the things that were already irritating me. It was clear to me that this was a spiritual issue that I needed to tackle with the help of the Holy Spirit. That’s when I decided that enough is enough…I needed to pray about this and so I did in the middle of the night. As I vented my frustrations to the Lord, the Holy Spirit listened to me blah blah blahing away saying my two cents about how I reacted to so and so and what the outcome was after the incidents that occurred throughout the week, and the only thing He asked me at the end of this ranting and raving is “What is important right now?”.
What type of question is that?! I wondered. I sat there feeling puzzled and confused, feeling like the Holy Spirit was playing games with me and had obviously ignored my side of the story, oh so I thought initially. I sat silently thinking about it for a while knowing that I can’t outsmart Him…and began to contemplate the question feeling slightly apathetic. I then realized that the important thing for me right now was to seriously analyze why I was so upset in the first place. I soon came to understand that I didn’t want to admit that my reactions to everything that upset me during the week where all symptomatic to a root issue which the Holy Spirit pointed out to me was an issue of PRIDE. Yes, you read that right…I was dealing with an issue of PRIDE. The very thing I’ve tried to avoid like the plague was the very thing that I found myself caught up in and entangled myself in its very dangerous web.
The Holy Spirit began to reveal to me how very subtle it was in its approach by showing me how in my anger I was reacting towards things that would not typically bother me, for the wrong reasons. I felt entitled to preserve myself from people’s bad behaviour and reacted in offense rather than respond with peace. I then ended up fuming silently which isn’t a good thing for me to do because when I fume I find myself unsuspectingly waiting to blow my top off at someone which is something I truly need to work on right now. I find that I tend to all of a sudden remember a lot of bad memories that flood my mind like a tsunami which I realize that such things begin when I’m triggered by someones words to react all self-defensively. I’ve encountered a lot in my day that I now know I have many walls that I have placed up against people as a means of shielding myself from being hurt again. This is something that the Holy Spirit is prodding and poking at right now which is kind of annoying because I know that the Holy Spirit is able to discern what hurts me the most and never seems to let me off that easily which is something I thank God for because the Holy Spirit is my best friend. He won’t white wash the truth…He just tells it like it is and now I have homework…dealing with my anger is my homework.
I’m not one to share stuff like this publicly because I don’t like wearing my heart on my sleeve…but I figured that it’s best to do so on this blog since I’m sure that there are people out there who have things they need to deal with in regards to their emotions that the Holy Spirit wants to help heal, especially those places that hurt. The Holy Spirit wants people to focus on the areas of their emotions that they have not yet surrendered completely to the Holy Spirit in order for Him to do His work. At this moment, I pray that the Holy Spirit helps me and other people reading this message to deal with the things that trigger such negative emotions to erupt in the first place. I have a history…but going back to the Holy Spirit’s question….ask yourself this question when you are dealing with something: “What is important right now?”
Is the reason why you are being emotional that important?
Do you even know why you are upset?
Sometimes you can be depressed and may not even know the reason why you are to begin with….but for every negative emotion that you encounter in your day…. ask yourself “What is important right now?” and seriously consider that you’ll find the root cause of your emotions and will be able to deal with them better when you confront the issue in sincerity and confess it before God honestly so that you allow room for the Holy Spirit to help you deal with these issues. Right now, even confessing on a blog feels kind of painful for me to do right now even though I’m laughing, because admitting the truth is never easy…but that’s the starting point to ones deliverance. I can tell you that I feel like hyperventilating as I type this…but I also feel in my spirit that it’s like what my Grandparents used to say to me when I wouldn’t fess up to my mistakes in the past that “It’s better to tell the truth and shame the devil” otherwise all the shame will be left on you. Telling the truth exposes what was left in the dark to come to light so that you are accountable to your actions rather than remaining in the shadows of being in denial of your responsibilities to accept the repercussions of your actions.
Live the Truth out with much Fear and Trembling.
After having written this post, I truthfully feel such a release in my spirit right now from all the anger I had been harboring all this time this past week that I can honestly say that joy is actually filling my spirit at this moment as I conclude the post. I praise God for giving me the courage to be real with myself here on Wpress even when I don’t want to be. God works in mysterious ways.
Know that God wants to set you free, no matter what emotions or feelings you struggle with. I believe in my best friend the Holy Spirit.
Do you believe?
God Bless You Everybody and have an awesome WEEKEND!